If we were a band, no major label would sign us. Like a bunch of one-legged, leprosy-stricken buskers, we would be shunned by all top executives and producers. They would probably find some of our tunes fairly nice and could even sing along to one or two, but in the large scheme of things – well, the big guys just wouldn’t be bothered. Small record labels wallowing in obscurity – now you’re talking.
If we were a band, what kind of music would we play? Rock, pop, soft jazz? I don’t know – I guess it would be bluegrass with a messy sound masquerading for lo-fi aesthetics. Fiddle, guitar, mandolin, Dobro, upright bass – in fact, everything except the five-string banjo (which we wouldn’t have). But since one instrument doesn’t make all the difference and its absence wouldn’t quite make it glam-rock or something, the sound would still be there. Muddy, muffled, but what the heck.
If we were a band, we wouldn’t be too good at our instruments. However, we would be quite capable of keeping a steady rhythm going. Completely unintentionally, we would be punks as they were meant to be. When in front of an audience, we would be shoegazers. When it comes to fans, we would be a Baptist choir.
If we were a band, we wouldn’t rehearse. We just wouldn’t have time for that. We would be too busy doing the real stuff. The real stuff is the only practice you need – or that’s what our manager would say anyway.
If we were band, we would have none of that fake bonhomie. Hanging out backstage with other bands or patting each other on the back after another successful outing. “You are like a real family to me, guys”. “How is Alice?” “The drinks are on me”. “No, you were good, Johnny, you were really good”. No, we wouldn’t say any of that bullshit, we would be telling it like it is.
If we were a band, would we tour? What venues would be play? Same as with major labels, I don’t believe huge stadiums and arenas would be banging on our doors. Though maybe once in a while our manager would be able to provide us with a glimpse of something bigger than a cheap cabaret circuit.
If we were a band, we wouldn’t be writing original material. We would rely on the older stuff, because it’s the traditional, well-proved, ever-green classics that can never fail you. So that this whole bluegrass thing would come in handy.
If we were a band, we wouldn’t take drugs.
If we were a band, we would never call it quits. We would be going strong against all rumours, logic and odds. You’d be gone or going, dead or dying, but we would still be around – like an impotent, misogynistic poet who is never quite done with his deeply romantic lines and rhymes.
I also wonder: if we were a band, could we possibly be a brass band? There’s no easy answer to that, but then… Since we can blow, I guess we could.